I can’t sleep. Apparently working from home isn’t making me tired enough. Eh, tomorrow I must run. At six sharp in the morning. Ha-ha… Just kidding. I have just squashed a mosquito on my daughter’s cheeks. I am proud of myself you know, COVID-19 is making us appreciate small small wins, including squashing mosquitoes. It is also making us do crazy internet challenges, that #don’t rush tune is playing in my head, and oh my si there are beautiful women out there throwing around makeup brushes and doing all that glow up. Crazy. I could have tried but I’m too tired.
Anyway, you know what else is crazy? Single parenthood. I know… At a time like this, families are together, dads and mums, embracing and protecting each other, healing, others fighting, being family. I chose to walk away from what I considered a toxic relationship. But I didn’t anticipate the emotional roller coaster that came with it. So I have been thinking a lot.
A toxic relationship is an addiction; you know the drug is bad for you but you take it. You like the high so you go for more and more. The next day you wake up, crazy headache, nausea, but did I say you like the high, so it becomes a cycle. I liked my drug. It gave me a sense of security and belonging. It made me feel protected. The future was promising, might just get used to the hangover with time. But it never did. The hangover grew worse every day. I puked and cried. And with every vomit I bore it lesser and lesser. Until I stopped. As people say, when that day comes, you will pack your bags and leave, no questions asked.
Then came the withdrawal symptoms. I started wishing that I could have one more drink. Just one. To reminiscence the good old days, you know. I cried for my drink, I thought about my drink. What if I tried this time differently, making sure I took water after every sip, or taking it slowly? I even prayed, negotiated with God, please! I longed for my drink until I realized it was better that way, that there are other things I could focus on, and maybe it was for the best.
You lose something, to gain something. If I was to count my blessings, I wouldn’t know where to start. I spent so much focusing on the drink and forgot what came with losing it. Peace of mind, most important, no more crying and feeling worthless, no more doubting myself. My happiness lies in bed with me every night, and runs for my hugs and kisses every morning she wakes up. Reminds me to pray, she prays first (read, thank you God, Amen), then asks me to pray, for her, her nanny, my brother and sister and her daddy. Maybe that’s where I need to start learning how to forgive. She has taught me to believe in myself, and how to be a good person. She is stubborn as a mule too… and I am grateful for the opportunity to raise her. God cannot give you what you cannot handle.