It was all fun and games before the virus landed at the international arrivals of JKIA. There were memes about that spiked ball of nuisance avoiding Africa in fear of its big brother, Ebola. That was funny. Like seriously, it was funny… that was until it was sighted, sweaty and almost breathless from its international world tour, at the airport, pushing a trolley with its luggage of symptoms. The arrival was announced, hours later, at a press conference held by the Headteacher of the Kenyan health sector with a horde of important health sector spectators at his back. Never mind that they were all flouting the social distancing rules. Social distancing was yet to be invented anyway.
As for everything that comes from plane- especially from abroad- in Kenya, the virus was welcomed, albeit with mixed reactions. The hospitable ones lived their lives like they had been living since the month before, for after all, what worse than AIDS..or cancer..or explosive diarrhea at a public gathering… The rest of us descended into panic of the unknown disease. We cut school and ran back home to sit it out. And it was just like that that we found ourselves barricaded inside our homes. The virus lurking outside with spikes waiting to attack.
Schooling activities were announced to be indefinitely halted nationwide, and ,just like that, campus relationships got promoted to the Long Distance Relationships category. With this announcement, global fornication rates dropped by a whooping 20% (even covid was stuck at 19). That meant contraceptives companies, especially those in the condom industry, suffered a great deal, that I would recommend two minutes of silence for their loss. But with the resumption next year, it’s fairly predictable the amount of profit they would earn due to re-unions.
And since schools have stopped, I, together with my whole team which consists of me and myself, have also discovered that the average university student is broke. They call it broke asf. As broke as a normal six-year old kid. The reason I emphasize on the normal but of it is because I learnt there is a six-year old kid earning millions , billions actually, off of YouTube for reviewing toys. Makes me wonder why some people I know never tried reviewing condoms. They’d probably make millions saying ‘Hey guuuys! Welcome to my YouTube channel. Today we’re going to talk about sleeveless condoms …’ (I know, I’ve been too much about condoms, but reading about them might be the closest experience some people might have with condoms in months.)
Being a university student, I’m broke. As broke as the country’s economy. So, with boredom, and all the time in my hands, I decided to use my time profitably. Because Time is money. Money is honey. Honey is marry..or whatever the YouTube motivational speaker with sports cars said. Fueled by the words of an online motivational speaker , I set out to raise wealth. I was armed with internet bundles worth two hundred shillings,l which was enough to look for online jobs. Because apparently, online jobs are a thing and they earn a lot of money. This was my opportunity to be rich. Isauc Newtorn once said, opportunity knocks once at every man’s door. And I was about to color my door visibly yellow for opportunity to knock at it.
The whole process of looking for jobs online was like looking for a tinder date. Writing jobs? too hard. Left. Surveys? Too much time consuming, left. Watching videos. This seemed easy. On the site, I would get 10$ for watching a 15-minute video. With my quick math, I would get 40$ for an hour’s worth of videos. That would translate to 400$ dollars in 10 hours of me doing nothing but watching videos. With my hard working nature, if I were to go ten hours a day for a year , that would be ,***calculating** , let’s just say, a lot of money. Actually too much money. I would be rich. Richer than my High School deputy principal. With all that money I would move to my own house which I would have bought with MY own money. I’d buy MY own sports car. Buy my own food. Eat at expensive restaurants. I would even buy my own original 4000$ dollars Yeezy boots and I , together with all my ancestors, would not even feel the pain of spending too much. Jeff Bezos was about to feel me breathing monetary pressure down his neck.
My first hour watching videos saw me make 35$. That was below expectation, but Abrahum Linclon, said, quitters never win. I kept going, because persistence is key. By the time my day was over, I had spent 700 shillings of my aged savings and had earned a whooping 3755$. The investment was worth it. for the money I made was enough to give me an excite-mental orgasm. I was rich , and the world was not ready for me.
The only remaining task for the day was to withdraw my money and take myself out. So you can probably imagine the shock I had when I failed the human verification. Apparently, I was a robot. Mostly likely a terminator.